Au retour à la maison, j'étais encore endormie et je me suis couchée pour une sieste de 3 heures dans l'après-midi, c'était une mauvaise idée même si mon corps me le demandait car j'ai mal dormi la nuit. C'est vraiment chiant de devoir être insomniaque quand tu as le cancer et que ton corps ce sent fâtigué. À part ce petit pépin, je n'ai rien eu...la fatigue on s'habitue, mais on se sent libérée, et je ne peux qu'espérer de retourner à mon rythme presque normal de vie.
Et puis il y a eu le FOMO, FEAR OR MISSING OUT, cette semaine je l'ai ressentie, car j'ai vue des jeunes femmes enceintes aux Galeries de la Capitale. Et puis j'ai réalisé que peut-être je ne pourrai pas avoir de propres enfants, et sentir les émotions que d'autres femmes ont le privilège de sentir, et après je me suis mise à calculer combien allait me coûter 4 adoptions dans l'éventualité que je ne puisse pas avoir d'enfants. Et le soir, j'étais couchée sur le torse de mon amoureux et j'ai pleuré, je lui ai parlé de mon FOMO quand j'ai vue les femmes enceintes, et la jalousie que je ressent quand je vois des mamans qui ne prennent pas soins de leurs enfants, mais qui ont des enfants. J'ai toujours eu l'instinct maternel en moi, et l'adoption est un projet je veux accomplir, mais là le FOMO rendait cela vraiment injuste dans mon cas. Un cancer à 25 ans, des ovules congelés oui, mais l'incertitude et la décision sont dans les mains de ma santé, de mon médecin...
Puis mon amoureux m'encourage, me console et me dit que toute cette épreuve va me permettre de valoriser bien plus de choses que certaines personnes ne verront pas...Et puis c'est vrai, on prend pleins de choses pour acquis, la vie, la santé, les enfants, le futur, la belle maison après le mariage....et puis BAM la vie te ramène sur terre, te montre à être reconnaissante envers les gens qui t'aiment et qui t'aident. Elle te montre qu'aider les autres sans attendre de reconnaissance, est plus gratifiant que seulement aider ceux que tu connais, elle te montre que la vie peut être fragile et qu'il faut toujours donner un bon exemple aux générations futures, elle te montre que la jeunesse n'est pas éternelle...
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So this AC chemo was over, I had 2 weeks
in between treatments, before my first taxol chemo. Its a low dense
chemo, so I will have it every week, for 12 weeks. The difference with
this chemo are: no pain, no musle pain, no nauseas, less treatment time
(2hours of treatment in total) and also..benadryl. I never took benadryl
before, and they gave it intravenous before taxol (paclitaxel), after
30 minutes sitting on the treatment chair, the pharmacist came to talk
about the new medication and possible side effects, I was so sleepy. I
felt like a morning after a mid term exam, at a 8h30 class for my
bachelor's LOL. Anyways, I slept during my treatment, and since my
little sister was with me on spring break and staying with me, I felt
bad of leaving her waiting near me in an oncology center...but she
seemed happy of being with me and that make me want to sleep more
peacefully for 1h30.
When
I got home I was still sleepy, and took an afternoon nap of 3 hours, it
was a bad idea even if my body wanted to sleep because I didn't sleep
good at night. It was a real pain in the ass of being insomniac when you
have cancer and more when your body is tired. Beyond that, I had no
other side effect, the tiredness as usual, but I felt free, and can't
wait to be back to normal.
Then
I've got the FOMO, FEAR OF MISSING OUT, this week I felt it because I
saw pregnant women of my age, at Galeries de la Capitale. I realized
that maybe I would never have kids of my own, and feel what pregnant
women are privileged to feel, and then I started calculated how much 4
kids will cost me in adoption fees, in case I am infertile. At night, I
was laying on my boyfriend's chest and I cried, I told him about my FOMO
when I saw pregnant women, and the jealousy I felt when I see mothers
not taking good care of their kids, but still they have kids. I always
had the maternal instinct in me, and adopting is a project I want to
accomplish, but the FOMO felt unfair in my case. I'm 25, with frozen
eggs yes, but the uncertainty and the decision are in my health and
doctor's hands...
But my boyfriend cheered me up, comforted me, and told me that this hardship will show me the real value of alot of things that other people won't see...Its true we took a lot for granted: life, health, kids, future, the nice house after marriage....and BAM life brings you back on earth, shows us to be grateful towards people we love and help us. Life shows you that helping others without waiting for recognition is very gratifying, more than helping the one you know, it shows also that life is delicate, that we have to give good example, and that youth is not eternal...
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